Tag: Chard Berndt
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School Day Breakfast Conversation (London, 1763)
Ransford (Pa), Carleigh (Mum), Daisy (Teenage Daughter) Mum: Daisy, dear! Breakfast! Ransford, you too…Poached eggs and bacon will keep you strong as an ox. Pa: And keep you fattened and gorgeous! Mum: Don’t know about gorgeous these days. You’re stuck with me like an ugly old heirloom. I was a treat before! Pa: Well, I…
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Reading Between the Caution Sign Lines
Posted warnings may be a nice courtesy, or simply someone trying to cover their butt in case of an incident. With limited room for words on such signage, one might consider what text has been left out. “Watch Your Step” is common. Presumably, we are already responsible to watch our steps. But this cautionary post…
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Weird Asks
During college I had a work-study job as a stage manager for the CU College of Music. When outside performers came in, I took care of them in the “green room.” Esteemed artists had requests, such as a six pack of Fresca with a plate of sliced limes. Occasionally, it became one of those very-specific…
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Reverse Life Hacks
Your Guide to Problematic, Inefficient LivingSo, you have a free Saturday to knock things out. Or perhaps it’s Monday and you are in the work-from-home crowd. Either way, there is much to be done in your digs. Allow me to help: Don’t check your calendar. Or check it but look at the wrong day and go from there. Put on…
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Post-Season Campground Host Interview
Interviewer: Edith, thanks for taking the time to meet today. It sure would’ve been easier by phone, or when I stopped by the campsite in the summer, but I’m glad I tracked you two down here in your Arizona digs. Edith: Welcome off the grid, son. Hope you get what you need for your blog…
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Birthday Musings
Two days ago, I completed my 55th trip around the Sun, with a little help from the Earth doing its orbit thing. My wife Carrie remembers her dad reaching 55, announcing “I am now the speed limit!” I mentioned this to my sister, who remembered our dad saying something similar. So that’s been an easy…
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Talk of Stronger Oversight in the Cornhole World
Judges ruled that the violations were unintentional, resuming the cornhole competition with its $15,000 cash prize after a one-hour delay. I might have questioned Devon Harbaugh’s complaint that rival opponents Lopez and Richards’ bags were too small, but ESPN’s cornhole color commentator agreed, “anticipating some drama.” And I would have been surprised by Lopez and…
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Staff Meeting
Flora: Time to meet, comrades. Gather ‘round. Rover: Here! Here! Me on time, see me punctuate! Flora: Calm down. And it’s “punctual.” Where is Mittens? Rover: Yoo hoo!! Little Mitts?! You-you gonna be late! Mittens [sauntering in]: Apologies, oh bright one. Some of us spend time cleaning ourselves. Flora: Alright, all present. Let’s get to…
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Numerals BY THE NUMBERS
[Successive pairing special] 0 As lonely as one. 1 Pairs in a two. 2 Humps on a three. 3 Strokes for birdie on par four hole. 4 Digits not called “thumb” of five on normal hand. 5 Looks like six when resting lazily against short wall. 6 Number of sevens on popular Boeing plane (printed…