At the end of the football season, in that frenzy where a bunch of teams fire their coaches for losing too often, the TV networks should do the same to their sports announcers whose confident pre-game predictions were usually wrong.
Many corporate stores and franchises now refer to their employees as a “team.” Perhaps they should choose mascots and form competitive leagues. This could end up with Home Depot versus Lowe’s in a rugby semi-final, to see who would take on True Value, the surprise underdog.
“The Housecats” would work as a cruel and imposing team mascot. [Sideline cheer: Toss ‘em by the tail / Torture has arrived / Scratch ‘em in the eyes / Toy with them alive!]
Olympic figure skating announcers are brutal. We all know that failed quad was a “disaster,” but the former champion at the mic didn’t have to call it that, especially not with a hint of delight.
Figure skating is one of those sports where only a few life-invested athletic freaks are in contention for the gold, where tiny but costly mistakes are made, and the silver medalist feels like a loser. Often, the bronze medalist didn’t expect to medal at all and is the happiest person on the podium.
I would have expected to see more flannel at the World Axe Throwing Championships, but to be fair, the teams all had printed T-shirts to identify themselves. But then I would have expected to see more blue jeans. And a throwing distance greater than twelve feet, and, related to that, fewer bullseyes.
Some individuals are big winners at being non-competitive. Be sure to congratulate them.
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