Staff Meeting

Flora: Time to meet, comrades. Gather ‘round.

Rover: Here! Here! Me on time, see me punctuate!

Flora: Calm down. And it’s “punctual.” Where is Mittens?

Rover: Yoo hoo!! Little Mitts?! You-you gonna be late!

Mittens [sauntering in]: Apologies, oh bright one. Some of us spend time cleaning ourselves.

Flora: Alright, all present. Let’s get to it: The Missus is back from her business trip, so, fortunately, I’ve now been watered and can conduct this.

Mittens: Yeah, you sounded a bit drunk last week…ironic.

Rover: Hahaha, drunk. I got drunk once!

M: You mean you acted sober once.

R: No, remember that time when beers was left on the table and—

F: Ignore her, Rover. Mittens: we are equals here. Act nice.

M: Of course, Your Plantness. But “equals,” really?

F: You want me to hold back oxygen, hotshot?

R: What’s oxygen?

M: What your brain didn’t get enough of at birth, Rover.

R: You saw me being borned? Cool!

F: No, she didn’t, Rover. You are older than Mittens. And Mittens, enough, really. Mittens…Mittens?

R: Haha funny! Little Mitts already napping!

F: Lick her, Rover.

M [waking]: Gross! Stop that!

F: Just getting you back to the business of the meeting.

R: Hi-hello-hi Little Mitts! You is awake now!

F: My main item of concern this week is that winter is coming. So, just a few reminders. Mittens: Don’t defecate inside—use the pet door to go outside like Rover.

R: Yeah, yeah, snow coming! Go in the snow! I just had a good one!

F: And Rover: You push open the person-door sometimes instead of using your door—

R: I learned that myself! Mittens can’t even do that. Want me to teach you, Little Mitts?

M: No, Rover. And it’s not about skills, it’s about physics, fatso.

F: You know Schrödinger’s equation, then, Mittens?

M: No. Because there’s no point in it.

F: Right. Well, when you get boned up on your quantum mechanics, then you can lecture us all. In the meantime, Rover: It’s commendable that you can open the back door, but you haven’t learned to close it, correct?

R: Uh, no. Guess not, Flora.

F: So, what I’m saying is that in winter, when you do that, it gets cold inside.

M: Then curl up in a blanket, O Leafy One.

F: Very funny, Mittens.

R: Was that funny? I missed it. I like jokes!

F: So, Rover, you understand not to push open the back door this winter?

R: Yes, Ma’am.

F: And Mittens, you won’t “go” inside, right?

M: Depends on the food. I’ve been given different product and it doesn’t agree with me.

F: Inflation and supply chain issues, Mittens. Be happy you’re still getting something better than off-brand. I haven’t been fertilized for months.

M: I’m happy to do that for you.

F: Don’t you ever!

M: I’d rather not actually…wouldn’t want you to comment about my butt.

R: Ha, you said butt!

F: Yes, speaking of that: considering you don’t like the food, Mittens, you sure aren’t holding back.

M: What can I say, I eat like the Queen that I am.

F: Then stop giving me snarky royal titles such as “Your Plantness.”

M: Sure, Greenie.

F: At least I don’t shed.

R: Or cough up hairballs!

F: Good one, Rover!

R: Thanks!…Uh sorry Little Mitts: that was mean.

M: Apology accepted, Rover. I won’t mention your breath.

R: What about my breath?

F: It’s fine, Rover. Smells better than Mitten’s indoor piles.

M: I doubt it.

F: Alright, well, that’s all for this week. Other than that, I should tell you that both Mister and Missus decided it’s cute when either of you drink out of the toilet, so despite my input, I am to inform you that you may keep doing that—even though your water bowls are the much more refined option.

M: I never drink out of the toilet.

F: Right. Sure, Mittens.

R: I always do!

F: Yes. And you may keep doing that, Rover. Glad you are well-hydrated…. I hear a police siren so I suppose this meeting will have to be adjourned. We’re done anyway.

R: Owoooo! Owoooo!

M: Sheesh, Rover! [pause] Zzzzz.

Copyright © 2022 Richard Berndt – All Rights Reserved.

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