AutoCorrect As Life Coach

AutoCorrect (a.k.a. Predictive Text or AutoFill) can be a timesaver, a helpful assistant for the spelingley or grammatical challenged, an aid for a “swiped” entry, or, let’s face it, a nuisance. But it’s here to stay and getting smarter (especially on phones like mine, in service a long time). We know such features are powered by cleverly coded algorithms, but I’m sure we’ve had times when AutoCorrect seemed to have a mind of its own—like a pesky companion trying to finish our phrases, or perhaps trying to suggest what we were supposed to say, not what we meant.

Perhaps our devices’ predictive text has been commandeered by God, or aliens. (Has my job has taken me too close to Roswell?) Or maybe it’s our own subconscious thought, which I’m told is cagy and astute—mine probably pairs better with my Moto z4 than my cerebral cortex. Regardless of the force behind it, if AutoCorrect’s suggestions were to be contemplated, rather than blindly accepted or quickly overridden, perhaps we could learn a thing or two about ourselves:

Intended: Sev Chat
AutoCorrected to: Sex Chat
Interpretation: Pretty obvious.
My advice: Write more frequently about Indian snack foods and clear your browser history.

Intended: Humour
AutoCorrected to: Humor
Interpretation: You are not funny anywhere except in America. Alternatively, instead of complying with the wishes of someone to keep them content, you typically just deflect with a stupid joke.
My comment: Thank you, AutoCorrect, for suggesting “alternatively” in the above; I had attempted “alternately” and that would have meant going back and forth between the first and second thing, which is nonsense and was not my intention.

Intended: Dear
AutoCorrected to: Dead
Interpretation: Avoid letter-writing style using polite greetings. In fact, kill written manners completely. (Do I detect AutoCorrect having a social agenda?)
My advice: Keep the manners and formality if you wish, but lead out with the name only.

Intended: Can you take my shift?
AutoCorrected to: Can you take my shit?
Interpretation: You are a taunting sonofabitch who won’t be playing hooky today.
My advice: It would be harder to turn down your request by voice call. Yet be sure to enunciate!

Intended reply (to previous text): I never take your shit.
AutoCorrected to: I’d never take your shirt.
Interpretation: This person wants you clothed and well-fed, and somehow understands how badly you need hours even though you want to give up a shift.
My advice: Based on the intended reply there is a history here. Work it out.

Intended: We’ll have to meet up. Great!
AutoCorrected to: Well Have to meet up. Great.
Interpretation: You never really liked this person. They use you.
My advice: Too generic. You should have pitched a time and place.

Intended (to coworker): My apologies about the other day. I get a little crabby around you because you are so strong and intimidating.
AutoCorrected to: Amicable about the other day. I get a little crazy about you because you are so strong and intimidating.
Interpretation: You have a fetish.
My advice: Check workplace policies immediately and rescind the comment as needed.

Intended: Thanks for coming to my party!
AutoCorrected to: Thanks for coming to me party!
Interpretation: You did not realize it, but you are Irish. Or an American Leprechaun.
My advice: If it concerns you, get signed up at Otherwise, go ahead and pull a pint of Guinness; it doesn’t matter that it’s still morning.

Intended: B there at the end of nxt wk happy 2 C U
AutoCorrected to: B there at the end if nxt wk happens 2 C U
Interpretation: You have a premonition that this person will die before next week, but if they don’t, you’re committed to be at their death bed, because they’re still going before you.
My advice: Just go with it and when you arrive, celebrate that you both made it another week to discuss assets and get your affairs in order. Life is a gift!

Intended (by “swipe”): Thanks for reading this humor bit. Read more at
Autocorrected to: Risks fir reaching this. Great mood so youngest. Con

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