A Non Sequitur Tale

I felt super-intrigued one afternoon, like the feeling one might get while reading an essay on correlation and causality, which I happened to be doing. My study was interrupted by a knock on the front door: someone taking a survey had shown up because I don’t have a doorbell. I sent them away because they exposed my lack of technology, and again picked up my reading, so I could refocus.

Later, my phone notified me that I had an appointment at the dentist, so in a panic I checked my Google calendar and sure enough, it knew about it also. I realized I had to get going soon. Fortunately, it was only for a routine cleaning. When I get scared, I have more serious dental work done. So, I jumped into my pickup, and feeling happy that it even started up, the vehicle became an old Chevy with a whole lot of miles.

Sadly, there were extra patrols along Highway 30 that day, so of course I got a speeding ticket. (I am totally not going to pay the fine, because people who pay speeding tickets have higher insurance rates.) What really puzzles me is that I left on time, and didn’t get lost, yet the receptionist at my dentist’s office said I was late. So, I’m just another slacker with a poor sense of direction.

Sometimes, during a routine exam, they also take panoramic x-rays. It happens every three years I think, but regardless, it’s cruel that a dental assistant wants to make my life speed by. Fortunately, they’ve done the research on radiation exposure levels, so at least I know that I’ll never have to face cancer. She offered me a drink of water afterward, but I refused. I hadn’t had water all day because people always drink water when they’re extremely thirsty, and I hate that feeling.

I’d never want to get two speeding tickets in one day, so I’m relieved that the cops weren’t giving them out to people who were driving home. Walking through my front door, I felt dehydrated, which is so strange, because I hadn’t drunk any beer the whole day.

I later enjoyed dinner with my wife followed by a basketball game on TV. The Jayhawks prevailed by seven points over the Longhorns, so I gave a little fist pump and started on some laundry. I like to daydream while I fold laundry, and I thought about how I hadn’t noticed their player Disu before, yet he had just scored seven points, so they couldn’t have won without him. (Well, it would have gone to overtime without Disu, so their chance to win would have again been 50/50.) You know, on any given day, a sports optimist says that half the teams won, and a sports pessimist says that half the teams lost, but they are both exactly correct. Cool, huh? Yet those stats show that coaches shouldn’t expect to win most of the time.

Later that evening, we got ready for bed, so the day was over, but I felt anxious about personal things unfinished and that I had a lot of work to do the next day. I got little done this whole day—good thing those survey folks rarely come by! That night, although I didn’t think I had overeaten (and we had supper hours earlier), I tossed-and-turned with strange dreams. But hey, dreamers are sleepers, and I needed my sleep.

[Loosely inspired by, but in no way plagiarized from, similar to, or as nifty as “How I Felt” in Demetri Martin’s This is a Book.]

Copyright © 2022 Richard Berndt – All Rights Reserved.

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